By AF on Unrecorded Date: Edit

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to hear a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building.

"Is this building," the tourist said to his Israeli host, "named for Thomas Mann, the famous author? He has written some of the most well known books in the world -- Joseph and His Brothers, Death in Venice. But I didn't even know that he was Jewish."

"Actually," the Israeli said, "it's not named after Thomas Mann. It is named for Fredrick Mann, who lived in Philadelphia." "Really? I've never heard of him. What did he write?"

"The check."

By AF on Unrecorded Date: Edit

After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted
permission to visit Moscow.
He boarded the train and found an empty seat.

At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar
looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going? I'm the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there.
But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs.
But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a
businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status.
What could it be? A doctorate from the University.

At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said, "How do you
do, Dr Kovacs?"

"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"

"Oh," replied the scholar, "it was obvious".

By AF on Unrecorded Date: Edit

A newly arrived Jewish immigrant entered a kosher restaurant in New York. The waiter who poured his water was -gottenyul- Chinese! And the Chinese servitor proceeded to rattle off the menu in fluent Yiddisch, even unto the idiomatic grunts, sighs und nus.
When the Jew was paying his bill, he asked the cashier:
"Are you the baleboss?"
"Who else?"
"Well, I certainly enjoyed my dinner - and even more, the fact that your waiter speaks such an excellent Yiddish!"
"Sha!" hissed the proprietor. "He thinks we're teaching him English!"

By AF on Unrecorded Date: Edit

A sociologist wanted to examine how attitudes towards a hypothetical crisis would differ between residents of different countries. He
decided to stop people on the street in a number of countries and ask them the same question to see how their responses would differ.

First, he went to Russia and asked a passer-by, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?"

The Russian replied, "Opinion? What's an opinion?" (This was back in the good old days of the Soviet Union.)

Next, he went to Poland and asked the same question, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?"

The Pole answered, "Meat? What's meat?"

The researcher tried the United States next, again asking a random person, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?"

The American replied, "Shortage? What's a shortage?"

Finally, the researcher went to Israel and stopped an Israeli to ask, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?"

The Israeli responded, "Excuse me? What's excuse me?"

By AF on Unrecorded Date: Edit

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."

The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "do we have enough Jews?"

By IsaMelin on Unrecorded Date: Edit

A Jewish man lives into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday The Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him to Catholicism.
Finally, after many threats and much pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says, "Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic."
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish."

By soni on Unrecorded Date: Edit

Israeli Tourist in Budapest

"Mr. Kohn, aus Tel Aviv, kommt in Budapest am Westbahnhof an. Er ist auf der Suche nach Budapester Juden, wo sind sie alle? Auf der Straße spricht er jemanden an, fragt ihn, ob er welche kenne. Ja, antwortet der Mann, sehen Sie dieses Gebäude hier, gleich nebenan? Also, im dritten Stock wohnt Herr Kovaæs (Kovaæs ist wie Kohn auf ungarisch). Ach, wunderbar! sagt Mr. Kohn enthusiastisch, ich will ihn sofort besuchen. Ja, gern, aber passen Sie bloß bitte auf, wenn Sie mit ihm sprechen. Sie müssen sehr vorsichtig sein. Wir wissen nämlich, daß er Jude ist. Aber er selbst, er weiß es nicht."